retail hell: a reflection

1. I can see now why most people who work full-time are alcoholics. Actually, why most people are alcoholics in general. I find that the more time you spend with and around others, the more likely it is you will one day suffer from cirrhosis. This is my second 9-hour shift in a row and already I find my wine bottle to be not quite big enough to swallow my bitterness and erase the pig-colored hue from my swollen feet. Maybe I'll just start drinking cheap vodka from a water bottle while on the clock and then save the rest of the wine for when I'm home. A drunken stupor is much better than somber sobriety while working in a department store.

2. If I were president or future dictator, I would enforce a strict curfew for teens as well as the elderly. You're 80 and can't hear. Why in the hell are you at a department store on a Friday night? Go home and swallow some pills and fall asleep to M*A*S*H* or something. Jesus. And girls, get more creative. It's the weekend and you're milling over cheap ruched jeggings with your boyfriend? Don't blame him if he cheats.

3. As a lowly peon, my only pleasure while on the job comes from disappearing into the dressing rooms or bathrooms for five minute intervals. I do this twice every hour, so if I work six hours or more, it shaves off approximately one hour of work. That helps me get by, as well as giving or not giving the spare coupons I have in the drawer upon my sole discretion. If I don't like the way you breathe, I'm sorry, we're all out. Try downstairs. Other times, I like to be extremely helpful. It's usually a ratio of 4:1.