how precious.

Current Addictions:

• two small blue pills that take away what I don't like
• two small blue pills that make me feel what I don't like
• two yellow capsules that promise Results!
• one orange pill to make me feel Alright
• one white pill to eat away at my insecurities
• major sevenths (they just can't quite make it, can they?)
• covering, concealing, masking, and hiding what I don't like
• counting, pinching, and frowning (usually in that order)
• being jealous as couples kiss in the street, but secretly smiling: only one person can fit in a coffin
• books and books and books to flood my mind and clean my thoughts
• laughing at myself, because in the end none of my rainbow pills matter, and that obnoxious lip locked couple doesn't matter, and that my body doesn't matter, and that ultimately nothing matters
• simultaneously loathing myself for being so fucking melodramatic and "collegiate."

I don't understand why this shit is supposed to be kept under wraps, anyway. "Oh, so-and-so isn't well, be kind." OK. I'm personally curious as to what kind of fucked up individual doesn't think about this. I would ask for whatever he's having, but black is a more flattering color.

Speaking of, what's the big deal with death? If I say I'm relieved that we grow sour, yellow, and eventually expire like milk (yes, even skim), does that make me demented? Twisted? Tragic, or worse--depressed? Thank god this body I happen to inhabit will eventually tell my spirit to go fuck itself, and then break down. And thank god I don't know when that is. And thank god it's not up to me. If that's not the most real thing, then I don't know what is.

But I will say this: if I could live through the page and not through the picture, I would; a picture is far less forgiving, and far less fun.

Ideas for a "happy" life:

• don't look in the mirror
• don't read ayn rand
• avoid trans fats
• accept others, but not their bullshit
• don't watch tv
• find someone who loves you and who you love for the RIGHT reasons, and hold on to them and grow fat and wrinkly and grey together and complain about your mutual rheumatoid arthritis and incontinence together. beauty fades.
• Addendum: don't have a kid if it's just to save a marriage; you'll be miserable, it'll be miserable, and well, you have to see the kid every day and deal with the fact that you are both an ass and a failure.