Musing: Crimes, Misdemeanors, and Summer Plans

"We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more."

-Professor Levy, "Crimes and Misdemeanors"

So, school year is over. On to summer. As every lengthy break goes, I've compiled a list of "goals." Most of which I will never fulfill, because asking me to follow through with anything is like asking a fish to fly. Well, wait. Some of them already can. Let's just say I would be the lazy fish who is much more comfortable in the water. Anyway, here is the list:

1. NO MORE PROCESSED FOODS. I've been doing some reading recently, and have come to the conclusion that no one should eat processed foods, or at least products with corn in them. Most cattle that are grain fed (ie corn fed), and that are not slaughtered die anyway because the corn kills them. Cow digestion tracts aren't that different than humans, believe it or not, and the fact that for the first time in history, our life expectancy is lower than the generation prior to ours is scary. Considering that I don't really eat meat (don't worry though, I won't be smearing red paint on your fancy leather boots), the process of making the switch should be easy. Except for Cheez-its. They are just as much a vice as alcohol and cigarettes. I don't smoke cigarettes, though. I'm far too vain. Anyway, I've bought a lot of fruit and am actually excited to start this trend. I'm sick of ending the day slightly bloated and remorseful. I'm sure you all know about it.

2. EXERCISE MORE OFTEN. I couldn't tell you the last time I've been to a gym. I pay $40 a month and never go. I recall one time I went, and stayed for 10 minutes. Four of those minutes were spent in the bathroom, and two were spent finding the perfect "get pumped" song. I guess "Stronger" by Kanye West wasn't an effective choice. I want to be able to run for more than one minute without fearing that my lungs are going to collapse, so we'll see how I do.

3. READ MORE. Granted, I know that I read more than the average individual, but that's not saying much. Most people don't read at all. I want to re-read Crime and Punishment, yet I feel slightly guilty for not finishing my book on King Leopold of Belgium yet. I want to read more poetry, as well. I will try to branch out from my default Keats and Donne, but really, it can't get much better than that. Speaking of "can't," I want to read more Kant. He seems like a pretty with-it individual. Again, we'll see.

4. DEVELOP A HOBBY. So, I've realized that I don't really do anything. Except critique. Criticizing or disliking something is a very well developed pasttime of mine. I can also put together a good outfit. I did ballet for many years, played the violin (albeit only adequately) for several years, and have recently picked up the guitar again, only for the sake of learning shitty songs by mediocre bands like Hoobastank and Phantom Planet. I choose them not because I secretly enjoy their work, but rather because I know that since they are submerged in the abyss of Suck, their chords must be pretty easy. And it's true. I can now play "The Reason" and "California" with great ease. But I feel like that's not good enough. Let's put it this way, I don't want to play others' shitty music, I want to make my own shitty music.

Occasionally I write, and I want to dedicate more time to that. I've been told I am a "writer," but the ever skeptic and defiant daughter of two writers refuses to believe so. I create my own destiny, damnit. Yet, here I am, writing a blog. Not out of necessity, but out of desire. Fuck.

What other hobbies? There's photography, yes, but I feel like I'd be too affected. And plus, not to sound like an art snob or anything, but I feel like photography is generally more akin to prose, and painting is more like poetry. I know I'm pissing off dozens of American Apparel wearing, Nikon camera sporting hipsters with that statement (ah, how can I be so arrogant? I wish dozens of people read my blog), but I refuse to retract my statement. Sorry, coolies, but "neat" fisheye shots pale in comparison to a Renoir. I love Annie Leibovitz and Richard Avedon as much as the next guy, but to me, photography doesn't always "capture" an emotion the way a painting does. Ha.

I'm thinking pottery might be a plausible option. I took classes when I was younger, and loved the feeling of clay between my fingers. Alas, I doubt I will experience anything close to the pottery wheel scene of "Ghost." Although, that's OK with me, Patrick Swayze weighs about 90 pounds now and is now almost all nose. Eww.

5. ACCEPT MYSELF. Look, I've tried the "don't be so judgmental" thing. Granted, before I tried it I considered it stupid and said it wouldn't work, but the point is that I tried, damnit. I can't help it; I'm cynical. I've accepted that people lie almost as much as they tell the truth. Hell, I'll go Nieztsche and say that "truth" is relative, anyway. And, you know, I'm me. I'm brash, I'm opinionated, exuberant, stubborn, sarcastic, and strong-willed. A veritable ENTJ. I've tried being quiet, being the "listener," the intellectual introvert, and guess what? Doesn't work. Why? I'm not boring. Sorry, but it's true. Hell, I'm not even sorry. I need to stop apologizing for my feelings, too.

I recall perhaps one of the most boring nights of my life, and it was only boring because I was around said intellectual introverts who acted as if they had a copy of "On Walden Pond" shoved up their ass. And yes, a collective ass. Said "individuals" were all alike. I mean, really. I get that you're wearing Birkenstocks and have a copy of the Tao in your messenger bag along with some herbal cigarettes, but enough of the charade. You like Simon Cowell, too.

My point is that I need to accept who I am and who I am not. I never pretend to be someone who I am not, however I must disclose that there are moments in which I wish I wasn't necessarily so cynical and critical, but hey, I've identified my character traits, I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I'm on the road to self-actualization, boys and girls.

6. BE MORE TOLERANT OF OTHERS. Haha, gotcha!

7. APRENDER MAS ESPANOL. I'm a FLIS (Foreign Languages and International Studies major), and I need to keep the fluency going this summer. Basically, I want to be more fluent than the man who mows my lawn every Tuesday and Friday.

I can achieve all or none of these goals, or maybe one, two, or five. Maybe even three, I don't know. It's all up to me. Will I succeed? Depends on your definition of success.